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YOUTH MINISTRY
How to Confront Kids
by Grace Burton-Edwards
A high school teacher confides to you, "Jim came to a school dance last week and seemed unusually moody and blank. I think he may be experimenting with drugs." Your teenage daughter tells you that she saw youth group members drinking at a recent school event. Two boys and a girl with uncooperative attitudes often disrupt youth gatherings. Several other youth have asked you to "do something about them." You hear a rumor that two of the young people in your group who are dating each other are sexually active.
Sound familiar? People who work with youth are often faced with situations where questions arise about the behavior of youth in our care. Because we want to demonstrate love and acceptance, it can be difficult to determine when we should talk with youth about their behavior and even harder to decide how to do it.
Yet, while they might not admit it to others or themselves, teenagers depend upon adults for direction. They need guidance as they prepare for independence. Young people test limits because they need to learn where the boundaries are and they expect caring adults to help them negotiate those boundaries.
What sorts of considerations might help us deal with the difficult situations we might encounter? When occasions for confrontation arise, begin by asking yourself questions like those below.
Did you see the action? In several of the cases cited above, people approached a youth worker with rumors or secondhand knowledge of inappropriate behavior. In general, it is not wise to take action on the basis of rumor. Encourage the people who approach you to take action themselves. Even in the case of youth who disrupt a meeting, encourage the young person who raised the concern to appropriately confront disruptive youth about their behavior. Allow people to act on their own concerns; don't automatically take charge. Be sure to give guidance on appropriate ways to share concerns and to deal with conflict.
What are the natural consequences of this action? Sometimes, inappropriate behavior will lead to unpleasant consequences that may teach youth to choose other actions. If such is the case, and if the natural consequences are not likely to cause harm to the individual or to others, you may choose to not intervene. Natural consequences can be an excellent way to learn about right and wrong.
Do you need more information? Decide what you need to know and how to gain the information. If you have determined that you are dealing with a situation that is more than a rumor, that the natural consequences of the action are potentially dangerous to the individual or to others, and that you have enough information to take action, then you can feel confident that it is appropriate to deal with the situation yourself. Now, like the prophet, Nathan, you must plan a strategy that best benefits all parties involved.
First, decide if you are the right person for the job. This varies depending on the relationship you have with the individual. Perhaps other caring adults or friends need to be involved as well.
Decide whether and how to involve the individual's parents. In most cases, it is wise to talk with parents about the situation, but there may be times when parents are contributing to the problem.
Choose a time and place for the confrontation. You could decide to meet a young person at his or her home or school--someplace where the youth is likely to feel comfortable and secure. You might meet at the church or could decide to confront the action the next time you see it taking place so that the confrontation accompanies the behavior.
Encouraging responsible behavior from teenagers is one of the difficult tasks of youth ministry. It is not a task for buddies. It requires maturity and confidence. A thoughtful moment of confrontation from a loving adult can become a moment of saving grace for a teenager. Sometimes we are called to be like Nathan the prophet--bringing the word of the Lord to youth in our care.
Grace Burton-Edwards leads an ecumenical youth ministry in Plymouth, Indiana.
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