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YOUTH MINISTRY
Good Communication: A Key Ingredient
by Randy Weeks
As a family therapist I see clients for a lot of reasons. Perhaps they are having difficulty with a specific issue like grief and need some help as they walk “through the valley.” Maybe they are having a hard time making a specific decision and need a sounding board. Often they are feeling overwhelmed with life and need a safe place to vent their frustrations. More times than not, however, clients I see are having problems due largely to poor communication skills. Wives speak one language, husbands speak another, teenagers speak their own language, and parents speak still another one. Therapy sessions can be like a modern-day Tower of Babel! The first task, then, is trying to turn this cacophony into a more harmonious experience and convert Babel to Pentecost. If we can get people to speak and hear the same language, then there is hope they will be able to resolve their conflicts.
There are many ways to go about learning to communicate more effectively. Perhaps the greatest skill you as a youth leader can work on and model with your youth is good listening. Have you ever wondered why some people yell so loudly? They want to be heard. So how can you model good listening for your youth?
Psychologist Robert R. Carkhuff gives us some good insight into this valuable skill. Listening, according to Carkhuff, is hard work, requiring intense concentration. Since most of us have been taught neither to listen nor to hear, we’ve got years of conditioning to overcome.
To really listen and hear, we must:
• Avoid unnecessary activity while trying to listen. Distractions are not only impolite, they also keep us from focusing on the human being in front of us. Stop whatever else you are doing when someone is trying to talk seriously with you.
• Give full attention to the speaker. If you can, sit down directly across from each other. Look the speaker in the eye and center in on them.
• Listen with all your senses. Words sometimes don’t fit expression. Some people laugh when they are nervous. Look for incongruity in emotions and body language. Notice the way the speaker is dressed. Do they look tired? excited? angry? What is their tone of voice saying?
• Pinpoint feelings. Your job as a listener isn’t to solve a problem, it’s to hear what the other person is saying. When they sound hurt, say something like, “You really sound hurt.” Responses like this do two things: they let the speaker know you are listening and identifying with them, and they usually elicit more information from the speaker.
• Mirror statements. Say back to the speaker in your own words what they say to you. By doing this you assure that you understand exactly what they are trying to say. Many conflicts can be avoided if both parties understand what is really being said.
• Encourage more talking. Statements like “Help me understand this,” and “Tell me more about that,” will usually result in more information.
• Get rid of preconceptions. Don’t decide beforehand what the situation is. Even if the speaker has a long history of being a certain way, something might just be different this time.
• Don’t discount, dismiss, or judge. A person’s feelings and experiences are their own. Supportive listening doesn’t mean agreement. It means that you care about the person. Responses such as, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” serve only to close doors which may never be opened again.
Good listening can be modeled in youth gatherings as well as in one-on-one encounters. While some people seem to have a gift for listening, most of us have to work hard at it. Good listening skills can’t be acquired overnight, so before you try to bring them into your youth group, perhaps you should practice them—at home!
From Intersection Teaching Guide for Older Youth, Volume 9
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